July 19-26 2020

Beware? Caution beforehand?
I'll be writing about a lot of personal stuff

Just like in 2019
the end of July is hellish
Last year, it was hellish as I started to feel uncomfortable with super hot weather
I didn't like 1 class I took, which required me to move my body a lot

This year again, I feel horrible in this one week
Once I stopped twitting
Once I stopped blogging
Once I stopped typing
my activeness? (genki)
just went downhill
regret and blurry vision and maze and uncertainty
everything just start appearing

'just do'

I don't even know how to explain how chaotic my heart and mind are now

I think my gas started to run out from last week (July 13-19)
as i started to go out more, my diet is going downhill
I still can manage to stay under 50
but I can't see the number 47 anymore
the teacher who told me to 'just appear enthusiastically and cheerfully'
no matter how i try to get used? fix?
at the end it's always still no good
'i try to be happy and cheerful everyday'
because i thought that it'll make my learning and just perform better
'but it's not about how your heart situation is. this is abut skill'
but, with a happy and cheerful and hopeful heart, everything just seem brighter and positive and you can see fun at each moment.. right?

July 20
I finished editing video super late, thus skipped 2 classes
ofc later on I regret, as expected
but I couldn't change my mood in a click..
as i edited the video, my mind was also preoccupied with something joyful that happened to someone i know
i'm not supposed to be someone who should be bothered much with what happened to someone who doesn't even know i exist
but unexpectedly, i started to compare myself with her

July 21
just like before, fixing my accent and intonation pretty much wasted half of the class time
how is one supposed to spend the rest of school year if that person is me
i'm very sure almost 100% of my teachers already don't see me as someone who will use Japanese to converse with
will that person tell the teachers, 'please don't fix me anymore. let me just be here to watch'
or will that person be, 'i'm sorry. i'm sorry..'

July 22
we were asked about what do we tell ourselves when we are down
'regret after doing something is better than regret of not doing it'
but what shook me most was whether life should be
'when you start to question yourself, stop'
or
'when you start to question yourself, do it'
the later sounds better since i'm still young, still inexperienced, should learn more
but at this point, as of now
i'm getting more assured that i'm 'when you start to question yourself, stop' type
i think a lot
i'm a coward
and i know that once i start to question myself -> i don't give my best anymore
sometime to the point of it gives me regret
like the lesson i took 1 year ago
i doubted myself will be ready for that lesson
at the end, i skipped a lot of it..

ofc i do have leftover of the later side too..
or else i won't be moving too
i need this side for my job searching
and for something that backfire to me..

July 23
i'm super grateful that i chose the right teacher
she sees what i can do
we were told to present our self introduction for our audition
for the first time ever, i asked help from my Japanese friends
that's how much i can see myself that i really wish to continue what i've been doing
since i didn't ask their help at all regarding job searching

July 24
'are you auditioning as singer? or seiyuu?'
'the content is good. but, you definitely won't make it as a seiyuu'
honestly, i doubted myself too
'when you start to doubt yourself, STOP'
shall i apply to be a seiyuu, or a singer
i guess i was too naive
i doubted myself, but i just went and do it
once i apply, there's no way to change it
i already had my doubt when i saw the audition's script
idk
i should've think more about what i can do and what i can't?
but if i were to apply as a singer, i don't know what's right for me either
what song to sing?
there are too many happenings where i just regret my choice of songs to perform..
i don't want that same mistake again too

i even made mistake with the line i decided to do for the audition
i'm truly grateful that each of us were given a chance to try reading the line we chose
i asked my teacher whether the other line is better or not
and she said yes
i'm happy that there's something that i can change

i know where i wanna be
but i don't know what i wanna do

'what are you tired of?'
'life..'
tbh, that's just how i am on july 
plus how i dislike rainy season
and perhaps November last year

this weekend, for the first time ever, i didn't feel like doing yoga at all
i feel super bad to my friend and my partner
i wasn't genki at all
i did yoga half heartedly
i'm totally back to my introvert self
i became sensitive and got angry in a snap
ofc being an asshole, i don't say out my anger
i just kept quiet
but my cosplay shoot wasn't at my full best
i didn't portray my favorite character as how i wanted it to be..

today i'm just purely tired
and decided that i've had enough of being down too
i regret for skipping yoga -> i may be genki enough to go out for a casual shoot with my partner
but my laziness still won over me
but better late than never
i'll finish up last post for my 2019 throwback today!

i told myself to take a breather by stop job searching this week and resume after my audition
but i think it'll be wrong to stop here too
i still think that it's a way to achieve my dream
i'll be genki again!
no more skipping class!
no more causing regret when i know that it'll happen
go me..